Anonymous asked: im going to stop eating, i cant do it anymore

please eat. It’s not worth the effect it has on you mentally or physically. you need to eat, even I know that.
It may not be easy , but you are perfect just the way you are.  
nothing Is worth the side effects of not eating. 
so please try <3 
  

I want to go back to school

I had horrible experiences at schools , and I am happier not being at school.

But I feel pathetic and weak for not being in school. so many people deal with the same issues as me and still go. 
but nope its un safe because of the bullying.
 

having the sudden urge to throw a bottle of nail polish remover at your moms head because she is a bitch

Anonymous asked: you and your 'friend' are the same person !!! thats not a friend its just you

lol what?? 
that is my friend.
the reason people think we are the same  person is because my mom and her husband dont like me using blogs like this. So my blog is run through her email so my ‘parents’ cannot trace / link it back to me. 
we dont have things on our blogs that we dont want the other person to see so its fine. we trust each other , and we haven’t had a problem yet. <3 

As a child I almost never drunk water and got very ill from dehydration. Mom used to make me read books on dehydration and death to scare me into drinking more. I never did, even with reading the books.

I wonder; If i had kept having 2000g of sodium a day like i used to, would it slowly kill me ?

plan

1: collect all of my blades 
2:  get 3 zip lock bags
3: put blades in them
4: ductape  them to trees that people wont find 
5: clean my room….
6: walk 
7: walk to the sea shore and wait till they find me  

Fuck Fuck Fuck

my friend who found this blog told his school counsellor about me, and he is going to call CAMHS and tell my psych … im having a panic attack…. idk im just freaking out…… my life… i need a spade … i need a box ….. im going to go bury my blades so no one can find them.

Anonymous asked: Stay strong, beautiful, we all love you so much. We have faith in you , you van make it through this.

thank you sweet heart xx

you’d been so good , 28 cal a day …. what happened ?? oh yea you are weak … you gave in to your family 

why the fuck did you eat that ? you are a pathetic piece of shit. 
I cant handle the pressure of life any more, I want out. I’m sick of being hurt by the one person that means everything to me. I’m sick of my parents getting close to realizing something is wrong , then making a joke out of it. 
I AM NOT OKAY.
If i was I wouldn’t be harming myself more than once a day. I wouldn’t start having panic attacks when you tell me to come eat with you. I wouldn’t be skipping meals. I wouldn’t be hiding in my bedroom. I wouldn’t live on my laptop. I would have a life. I would have friends. I would hang out with people. I would wear whatever I felt like. 
I AM FAR FROM OKAY. BUT YOU ARE TOO BLIND TO SEE IT. 
you got married again. you think I’m handling things well with that, I am.. to a degree. Yes he is a lovely man and cool to be around. doesn’t change who I am or how I feel about the situation. I miss my dad, I want to see him more. 
 I’m so fucking scared about being a failure. I want to make something out of myself. But I dont have the skills or the smarts to so that, so why should i bother trying? 
I spend all day everyday in bed pretending the world isn’t out there…. can i please die already ? I want to silent my screams . I want to escape this never ending cascade of pain that I am completely submerged in.
People say it gets better, they have said it for 6 years. you have only  been aware for a 1 year and 5 months. ITS BEEN GOING ON FOR 6 FUCKING YEARS BITCH. 
things are not getting better, things are getting worse.
the outspoken weird girl is now shy. I am awkward in public situations. 
I have panic / anxiety attacks about leaving the house. I have constant anxiety even at home. Its a living hell…. and each day its just getting closer and closer till i end it all. 

Some people go to bed with their date after ball (prom) but not me. I go to bed with a towel wrapped around my thighs

Fucked up plan, you tell me , yes or no ?

So , growing up I’ve done a lot of sports … 
At the age of 8 other than school i did :

1: Dance 2 times a week
2: Competitive gymnastics 3 times a week 
3: Taekwon-do 2 times a week
4: swimming 2 times a week
5: running every morning
6: horse vaulting 3 times a week
7: netball at school 2 times a week 
8: hockey at school 3 times a week 

because of all of that I got chronic fatigue. I have never fully recovered … I get ill very easily, or if I work too hard. 

I’m  now 16 and I miss sports, I’m looking at starting them all again, and even if i get sick still training…..